I don't know that I ever thought we would get here. All of the things we have been through, all of the times that we've both been "done", all of the hard times that our relationship survived and now.... you're leaving. Everyone around me doesn't understand why I'm not reacting, why I'm not appearing upset, why I am so calm... and... I don't understand it either. I remember early in our relationship, if you would ever get mad at me or "break up" with me, I would be so devastated. So. Devastated. I've cried over you the hardest I have ever cried over anyone in my life. But now, 10 years later, I'm not crying. My mind is a million places yet nowhere all at once.
I don't get sad at losing this version of you. This version of you didn't like me. I know you love me but you definitely didn't like me. I don't know when that shifted but I felt it a long time ago. It's not your fault. I became a busy mom with a hard job, I fell into a deep depression that lasted the last 3 years, I stopped caring about myself, stopped trying, stopped caring about the home, stopped doing household chores consistently, and just completely lost that version of me that you met years ago. I did things you didn't like, I got lazy, I argued too much, liked sports too much, drank too much, and stopped doing the things that kept you interested on top of several other things I'm sure. I get it. Our relationship really took a toll. Maybe that's why I'm not sad - because I know I wasn't what you wanted and I know that maybe us being apart will ultimately be the best for both of us. It could be a time for us both to find ourselves again. Heal ourselves.
I do miss when you did like me. Thinking about those times is when I start feeling that lump in my throat and tears start to fill my eyes. I remember being that 19 year old girl who you would call if you hadn't heard from me, who you would find ways to flirt with when we were at work (even though you never admitted that you flirted with me too), who you would boost up if anyone made me feel low, who you would make feel so beautiful. I remember the wild and crazy nights where we would stay up all night just soaking each other in. I remember all of those days and nights we would drive around, listen to music, talk. I remember when you used to kiss me more, used to hug me more, used to really enjoy me. I remember when we used to fight and we couldn't go more than 2-3 days without talking. You'd come over as soon as we would start talking again and we would fall right back into each other. I remember spending an entire day with you sitting on blankets on my bedroom floor watching movies, eating food, and just loving on each other. You made me feel like I was on cloud 9. Our flame was so strong back then. Our relationship was so passionate. The times we spent together made me fall harder and harder for you every single time. I always wanted you.
Maybe I can take this time to fall back in love with myself and then maybe someday you'll like me again... I hope for that.
